Because I Said So, That's Why
by Screamhappy
Summary: A story following the misadventures of an alcoholic and sexually ambiguous Novakid and his crew who is just tired of his shit, on a quest to pay a bar tab worth more than their lives. That's what they think they'll be doing anyway. Fourth wall breaks are inevitable and the entire story is improvised as I right it. Now sit back, relax, and enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

There was once a remarkably average human male. This man had average kids, and an average wife. An average home and an average life. An average house, provided by his average spouse. And average friends who would eventually come to their average end. This all ceased to be once the man's alcohol dependency consumed his life, leading to his family forcing him out of their house, and ending with him getting his head blown off in a saloon on the first planet in the Alcor Formation after trying to start a drunken bar fight with the self-proclaimed hero of our story.

The disheveled Novakid holstered his still smoking Manaticon Duskbringer revolver, looked around, and quietly sat back down and ordered another drink. The jet black Omega placed into where his face should be contrasted greatly against yellow "skin". His short spouts of fire that substituted as hair gently licked the wide brim of his Stetson as he downed his third shot of whiskey which was followed by a fiery belch.

"You really shouldn't be killing those humans after what happened to their home world you know." Said the bartender, who looked as if he really didn't care about the final fate of his patrons, so long as he got his payment for the overpriced drinks he served.

"Oh please, I can kill off as many as I want if the plot calls for it." Replied the wasted bag of gas sitting at the end of the bar.

"I'm gonna ignore what you just said and remind you that your bar tab has now surpassed what it cost me to buy this saloon about thirteen times over, and I doubt you have the money."

"Stop worrying Rick, I'll get you your money."

"First of all my name isn't Rick, second of all you said that last week. And the week before that. And the week before that. I'm getting impatient Osiris, and pretty soon my patience will run out." Said the bartender in a bit of a threatening tone.

"I told you, call me Ossy, and don't you worry your pretty little head off Georgie, you'll get your money and maybe a little more if your feeling lucky." Slurred the Novakid whose blood-alcohol level was now higher than his I.Q.

"Still not my name, but if you keep putting off my payment, I'll have no choice but to sick Nasafia on you." Said the still nameless bartender as he gestured to a heavily secured cage containing a crazed Floran that looked like it had been the subject of several experiments in which the researchers had been torn to bits by their own creation.

"Well, you can't make me pay if you can't catch me!" Slurred Osiris as he stumbled out of his chair and half-assedly and ran into several tables before slamming into a liquor cabinet and passing out as liquids of all types poured over his limp body.

 **0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

"Seriously?! He pulled this shit _again?!_ "

"Is it really that surprising anymore? I mean, it happens at least twice a week. You should be used to it by now."

"I know but still, this is not how the captain of a star freighter should act. It's ridiculous and it makes those who actually worked for years for their position as captains look bad."

"Well his actions won't affect you then since you never even came close to being a captain. Why does him being a black-out drunk matter so much to you anyways?"

"Because one day this bag of gas is going to get us all in real trouble and that day may be soon. We all read that note and we know what that... that _thing_ is capable of! Doesn't that make you the least bit worried?"

"Not at all. I have complete confidence that Captain Osiris will solve this problem like he has with all problems before this one. With bullets, booze, and bloodshed."

"WILL YOU TWO SHUT THE FUCK UP SO I CAN SLEEP OFF THIS HANGOVER!?" shouted Osiris as he laid on a medical examination table with nothing on but a hospital robe. The Hylotl doctor and Avian lieutenant jumped back in surprise from the sudden outburst.

"Well, seems like you're awake." Said the ships male Hylotl doctor.

"Unfortunately." mumbled the female Avian lieutenant, rather annoyed at the whole situation.

"And I'd rather not be so it seems like I'll have to use manners this time. _Please_ shut the fuck up so I can sleep off this hangover." Said the Novakid, curling up in an attempt to get in a more comfortable position despite having no blankets or pillows.

"Not gonna happen, now get dressed and meet us at the bridge. And take a shower, you smell like booze." Requested the Avian who had calmed down a bit from a few minutes before.

"Don't act like you don't love that smell on me Tona, I know it gets you hot and bothered."

The Avian grunted and left the room, her aggression reignited from that last comment.

"You know you really shouldn't frustrate her like that. You know how her temper can be." Said the Hylotl, looking a little concerned.

"Eh she'll be fine Noburu, if she's dealt with it this long she can deal with it a little longer." Replied the Novakid as he collected his necessary items for a shower.

"Is that what you said to the whores you tried to pick up at the bar last night?" joked the Hylotl.

"You know it." said Osiris as he high fived Noburu on his way out of the office.


	2. Chapter 2

The group of three huddled around a table. On this table, was a sticky note. This particular sticky note was left on Osiris' hat after he had past out drunk. The sticky note in question described in quite gruesome detail what would happen to each of them and their loved ones if they could not scrounge up 2.5 million credits in exactly solar month (which in Earth terms is roughly 50 twenty-four hour days). This was quite the conundrum seeing as none of the trio had anywhere close to 2.5 million credits, and were unable to get a loan seeing as they all had terrible credit scores.

"How in Kluex's name do you even rack up that big of a tab?!" shouted the fiery red Avian after a few moments of silence so the narrator could finish speaking.

"By having years of rampant alcoholism and the names of a few less than reputable characters associated with you." belched out the constantly tipsy Novakid as he failed to take an unnoticeable swig from his flask.

"Give me that!" shouted Tona as she swiped the flask away from him mid-drink. "The last thing you need right now is alcohol after what you've done!"

"Tona, calm down. Now is not the time to start screaming at each other again. We need to think of a way out of this and fast. Fifty days isn't that much time when it comes down to it." chimed the stern looking Hylotl who was frankly, quite tired of the endless arguing between his two colleagues.

"All right, all right... I'm good." replied the less-red-in-the-face-but-still-vibrantly-red-feathered Avian.

"Look, can we just skip the small talk and get right to it? There is no legal way to get this kind of cash. The way I see it, we only have a few options." Said Osiris, who looked just a bit less drunk than a minute ago.

"We are not robbing anyone." said the doctor and lieutenant in unison.

"I'm sorry, did I sound finished? Because I wasn't. Either way, there are no good places to rob. We're on the outer rim of the milky way right now where there are no major banks or money handling operations. This is where the poor people live, and do you wanna know why? Because they're all too lazy to illegally board a ship and fly to any banks to rob them. Ain't no casinos around here either, no matter how much I wish there was."

"You and gambling? We'd owe twice what we owe now if we even let you within 100 feet of a casino." Said Tona, who was starting to relax about the situation a bit more.

"Hey we both know the real high stakes games happen around the back where you have guns pointed at you 24/7, not inside the place. Anyway, grand theft is unfortunately not an option this time. I think the best we can do is either trade everything we have, or look for quick jobs that earn a lot of cash."

"The best place to find odd jobs would be the Outpost. Plenty of strange characters come through their on a daily basis needing something done." said Noburu.

"Then it's settled, we set off for the Outpost as soon as possible." answered Osiris, who was already on his way to the navigation computer.

 **0000000000000000000000000000000**

"Well, this place is a shit hole."

"You've been here for less than 2 minutes, give it a chance will you?"

"The last time I gave something a chance it had one gun to my forehead and one to my... well just somewhere you wouldn't want a gun pointed."

Osiris and Tona walked along a ramshackle looking road on a larger than normal asteroid. Noburu had elected himself to stay behind and "look after the ship", which was probably code for whatever immoral thing Hylotl's do when they're alone. The Infinity Express cashier looked like he had been working an eighty hour shift while simultaneously having to make special versions of alcoholic drinks for several dozen Florans who didn't necessarily agree with the use of plant life in their primarily plant-based drinks they ordered.

They approached a large and unnecessary airlock, seeing as the asteroid had a somewhat breathable atmosphere of it's own. It slid open noisily as the Novakid and Avian were exposed to the hustle and bustle within the station. Groups of people of all races walked along the main room in search of whatever they may be searching for. A lively Floran bounced up and down happily inside of a repurposed cargo container which now had a sign that said "Terramart" on it. On an upper walkway closer to the ceiling, flashing signs glowed in all different colors in order to attract new customers. Many people just waited on the benches provided for some other aspect of their lives to take them wherever they needed to go next. A bit further down a hallway they spotted a strangely familiar one-eyed woman standing in a booth labeled "2 Stop Teleshop". The air was electric and carried the weight of at least 6 dozen other souls, all lost in their duties and obligations. The world sure was simpler to those who weren't in debt 2.5 million credits.

"Come on, let's go ask around and see if anyone needs anything." 20 minutes of searching later they found that surprisingly, no one had any problems. It was as if the main character of a slightly different story had swooped in and made everyone's troubles disappear.

"This is useless, not a single person has any problems. No kidnappings, no stolen items, no lost dogs, no nothing!" cried the Avian.

"Come on, I saw a place upstairs with a balcony, maybe we can get some fresh air there."

The pair climbed a rusted metal staircase until they came to a doorway that revealed a small, but cozy balcony to them. It was just big enough for 2 people. Too bad someone was already there.

"Come young ones, for I know what you seek." whispered the purple-cloaked individual who had his arms resting on the railing that bordered the balcony.

Osiris and Tona stepped cautiously forward, unsure if this man could pose any kind of danger.

"It is okay, I have the answer to your problems." said the hooded figure as he turned around, his face too dark to see under his hood.

"And what exactly do we need from you?" asked Osiris as he gently ran his fingers along his Manaticon that sat in his holster.

"I know that you need a very hefty sum of money, and thankfully, I know just where you can get it."

"You do? Stop being cryptic and tell us then." said the Avian, irritated that this man knew more about her problems and the answers to her problems than she did.

"Deep within the stars, there lies ancient constructs called vaults, built by those who came before us. These vaults are said to hold the answers to anyone's problems, no matter the complexity. The vault knows exactly what you need and is happy to provide it, so long as you can claim your reward within these two parameters. First, you must complete the vault within the time limit, otherwise you will be trapped their for the rest of your existence. Second, you must survive."

"That doesn't sound half as bad as the shit we face on a weekly basis so yeah, I'm sold; How do we find one of these vaults?" questioned Osiris, completely truck by this new legend.

"You must first find a gateway to access the vaults with. That is the only way to get inside. You must also have a vault key to activate the gateway with. Thankfully, I happen to have one here with me."

"All right old man, how much is this gonna cost me?" remarked the now uninterested and annoyed Novakid, who had thought he could get away without spending any money on the information.

"Consider this one a free sample, just to see if you can handle such a task." said the hooded figure as he slowly pulled a metallic grey and purple key out of his robe and handed it over to Tona.

"Thank you, we will repay you the next chance we get." thanked Tona as the pair walked back inside the station.

"We aren't actually gonna pay that guy back are we?"

"Please, I'd rather be mauled to death by a Poptop than spend money on someone who's breath smells like he hasn't seen a dentist in his whole life."


	3. Chapter 3

The starship glimmered as they approached it. It was Human in design, after all the only reason that Osiris owned it was because he won it in a game of blackjack that he had rigged. It was a metallic blue, with white stripes running along the length of the ship. The word "Rimhopper" was displayed in prominent silver letters on the side of the ship.

"Did you really have to rename the ship to _that_ after you got it? I mean geez, leave it with some dignity." said Tona, who had complained about this same subject twenty times before.

"Dignity isn't something we can afford. Besides, a ship should represent the morals and ethics of its captain. It helps strangers understand what we're all about."

"And every stranger who sees it will think we're pimps."

"Well if a stranger has a problem with it they can take it up with me after I've had a few drinks. That's when I'm most accurate with old Sasha here." said the Novakid as he withdrew his Manaticon revolver from its holster and gave the cylinder a small spin.

The pair entered the starship to see Noburu tinkering with a small device on the table they have dinner on.

"Okay I've been here two seconds and I'm already not into this mad scientist shit you're pulling. I want that thing off the dinner table and out the window before we take off." said Osiris, secretly irritated he didn't get to play with Noburu's tools.

"Wait, trust me, this is going to be useful."

"Can we sell it?"

"It's worth more to us than it is to anyone else, considering I'm the only one who can operate it."

"Can we scrap it?"

"Did you not hear what I just said?"

"Okay okay, what does it do?' questioned Tona.

"This little device here," said Noburu, gesturing to the small black box in his hand, "is possibly one of the greatest inventions of our generation!"

"Unless you have whiskey to go with it, cut the theatrics."

"Come on, I want so little." whispered Noburu. "Fine, this device amplifies any signals in deep space and can pinpoint the origin of any signal down to the square foot. It's pretty nifty, if I do say so myself."

"And why did you make this?" asked Tona.

"I took apart the coffee machine and couldn't remember how to put it back together, so I made this."

"A few things. First, how the fuck does a coffee machine have the proper components to make a signal booster? Second, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU TAKE APART THE COFFEE MACHINE!? YOU COULD HAVE CHOSEN ANYTHING ELSE AND YOU CHOOSE THE COFFEE MACHINE!? I NEED MY DAMN FIX MAN I WON'T LAST WITHOUT IT." yelled Tona as she grabbed Noburu by the collar and shook him back and forth.

"Gotta say, only a weak willed person would need something like coffee everyday." said Osiris smugly as he took a rather large swig from a beer can he grabbed from the fridge.

"Wait, would that device work with ancient signals?" said Tona, the gears suddenly turning in her head.

"I don't see why not. I'd just have to tune it to the right frequency." said the confused Hylotl.

"Then this is the biggest coincidence ever." said the visibly excited Avian.

"Or a cheap plot tool." said the already tipsy bag of gas who had removed his Stetson and was leaning back in a chair.

"Shut up, you dick." said Tona as she repeated the story of what happened at the Outpost.

"This is wonderful! Imagine the discoveries we could make, plundering an ancient vault, the fame, the fortune!" exclaimed Noburu.

"The women!" slurred the drunken Novakid.

"Yeah, if there were ever women in those vaults, they are very, very dead by now."

"Well that's just quitter talk friend. Corpses have their uses too you know."

"There are some phrases I hoped I'd never have to hear come out of your mouth, and that was one of them."

"Then it's settled," shouted the Novakid who, by this point, was barely understandable, we tune the thingy to the right frequency and woosh woosh all the way to its origin!"

"Well, I don't have any better ideas" said Tona.

"Damn right you don't!" said Osiris as he fell backwards in his chair and blacked out.

"I'll go set the course for the ship." sighed Tona.


End file.
